What I Wish I Would Have Known…
“If your sister or a friend had a baby today, what is one thing you would want them to know?”
It has been a month since my dear friend texted me this question.
Here is my response.
When I was pregnant I felt like everyone had an opinion or a learning lesson for me. I would tell my husband, that it was as if I was at a movie theater with 100’s of monitors everywhere. People’s opinions and experiences are all broadcasted on every screen. I just wanted to pull the plug to silence the noise. Even when the screens were off, the voices echoed.
Some of the advice I was given during that time turned out to be true. Some turned out not to be. Some I wish I would have listened to. Some I wish I would have ignored.
If there was only one thing I could give as advice to a new or expecting mom, it would be to know that it is ok not to be ok.
But it is not ok to not ask for help.
UGH. So hard. The whole asking part… because if you ask… you might not get met with a resounding yes.
For me, my postpartum experience felt like 2 years of pure grief.
PSA
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PSA ~
If you are pregnant and what I am saying is making you feel like i’m playing a movie you don’t want to watch, please turn me off.
PSA Over
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PSA Over ~
The image that passed through my mind most, was one of me attending my funeral alone, while everyone else was busy RSVPing to my daughter’s party. Kneeling in front of my metaphorical casket I would weep at the loss of who I once was and who I would never get back in the same way: body, career, time.
I wasn’t sad that I had “died” but more sad that I was alone.
It felt like no one really saw me.
People would ask “How are you?” and I would wonder… do they really want to know? People would greet Isabela before me, save food for her and not for me, and gaze into her eyes but not mine. I can assure you that if anyone had looked long enough, they would have seen the emptiness in my eyes.
I felt like a homeless person standing on the side of the road with a BIG sign, “I need help!” but everyone was driving by. Some not knowing how to help, others not caring, not noticing, and the majority just “not having the time”.
Friendships were lost and very few were strengthened.
I didn’t know what I needed help with, so I didn’t ask. I felt in the depths of my soul that I was the problem.
My first reaction to seeing Isabela was to cry, I remember the nurse asking, “Happy tears, right?” That was the first of many half-truths…
How could I hold my new baby and not be delighted? She was supposed to fulfill me. Now I see that you can’t love anyone more than you love yourself, as Brene Brown’s research proves, and I had a lot of work to do if I was ever going to be able to pass love on.
At the doctor’s office, I remember them routinely asking their prescribed litany of questions, “Are you blaming yourself for things? Do you feel unusually sad?” I’d answer the “right” answer, I didn’t want to make things harder on them and what’s the point of complaining if there is no solution?
The day I realized I had a problem was when Isabela developed a cough. I am laughing as I’m writing this because this story is just sooooo crazy lol… she had a small cough. Everyone kept telling me I should be concerned or get her checked out. Finally, everyone else’s worry stuck to me and I figured let me make sure she’s ok and I scheduled a same-day doctor’s appointment.
2 weeks or so before I developed a fever and a clogged milk duct and “slept it off” then went back to everyday life. I was waking up at 5 am and going on runs trying to beat my body into submission and lose the baby weight.
When we arrived at the doctor he said that Isabela was fine and there was nothing to worry about. Then he politely asked,
“You don’t sound very good. Would you be ok if I checked your lungs?”
I am tearing up writing this… because he saw me… He proceeded to say, “you sound like you have soup in your lungs. You have pneumonia. You should go home and rest and I will prescribe you some medicine.”
WOW. I had been struggling with pneumonia for two weeks and I hadn’t even stopped for a second to check to see if I was ok and not to be accusatory… but neither had anyone else.
Of course, life isn’t as simple as one AHA moment, but that is when I realized I needed some help, so I got it. I started seeing a therapist again and began telling people how I really felt when people asked me “How are you?”. I think the latter part was a little overkill but I just needed practice in sharing how I was feeling.
People would say, “How are you?” and I would reply “ I feel like a tossed salad.” Others would ask, “When do you plan on having a second kid?” and I would say “Whenever I can move past this depression” .lol. You can imagine the faces you’ll get back when you say that!
All in all, I wish Natalie a few years back would have known it’s ok not to be ok. I hope you know it too.
It’s ok to be confused.
It’s okay to attend your funeral.
It’s ok to be alone.
I might even venture to say it is more normal than you think. But it’s not ok to not ask for help.
Expecting others to notice is a nice thought but it’s not realistic and quite frankly you are far too valuable to wait on the chances of that happening.
Tell your doctor, counselor, husband, or friend. If the person doesn’t hold space for you or give you the time of day (that happened to me too), ask someone else.
It’s not trite to ask for help.
It is the most courageous thing that you can do. So the next time someone you trust looks at you and asks “How are you?” maybe tell them the truth…
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Quick Tips for People with Friends who are Pregnant or Postpartum
Look them in the eye, the eyes speak more than the mouth.
Show up, you aren’t a burden.
Don’t hold the baby, hold the broom.
Call, maybe more than you think you should.
Don’t try to fix it. Sometimes people don’t need solutions, they need someone to listen.
Your recommendation has a 99.9% chance of coming off as criticism. Wait till she asks.
Quick Tips for Women Who are Pregnant or Postpartum
Ask for help.
For the love of Jesus, see a lactation consultant!
You aren’t bad. You are just new at this.
Don’t compare.
Be patient with your body, it made a miracle (I used to hate hearing this).
Yes, it all does get better.
Stretch marks are hereditary, you didn’t do anything wrong.
Watch this Bluey episode for guaranteed tears.
Your biggest adversities always become your biggest blessings. I am grateful to Isabela Love Li for coming along and being LoveLi enough to teach me how to love me.
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Quality resources if in the Florida Area:
